Finding the Good in Grief

Writing about losing Luke and what I've been feeling through this entire journey has really helped me release emotions, has helped me to heal and start a new way of living with my grief.

October 14, 2023

I can’t hold on to this energy and this anger because people can’t meet the expectations that I set for them. So I’m letting this go.

August 18, 2023

Time will not heal me, but I do think with time, I will continue to heal. I will always have a trigger, I know it will change as the years go on. But I think what’s important is learning how to handle it, learning how to manage my trigger, my emotion, the thoughts that come with it.

June 17, 2023

So instead of sitting with these “what if I just did this” thoughts, I don’t hold back anymore. I’m sure there will be tough decisions to be made again. But I have to learn from this and follow my instinct. I have to trust myself and speak up when I need to or change my mind if it doesn’t feel right. And if it ends up being the “wrong” decision, I will learn to not live with the regret, but live with the decision that was made and consider it the best decision at the time with the information I was given.

May 14, 2023

Maybe the slow, confused driver going 20 miles below the speed limit is lost. Not geographically lost, but mentally out of it. Because maybe his father just died. Or maybe his son got into an accident. Or maybe he’s having a shit day because he got fired from his job and doesn’t know how he’s going to afford his mortgage.

May 1, 2023

I do not know if Mother’s Day will be the most triggering because 1, this is my first since Luke passed so I have nothing to compare it to. 2, I don’t know how I’m going to feel that day. 3, I am still a mother, no matter what.

April 19, 2023

I didn’t know what to say. Because my whole life I had believed that there was this higher power that was the creator of life. And yes bad and evil had happened but there was still a God. But then bad and even had happened to me. And I had to question it all.

March 27, 2023

We have to grieve. The only way over grief, is through it. And if you don’t go through it, if you don’t feel all of the feelings that come along with it, grief will control you. And you don’t want grief to control you. You want to be in control of your grief. Grief is not always sadness, grief is joy and light and love. But you have to feel the sadness in order to get to the joy.

March 13, 2023

As much as I’m focused on setting aside time for grief in my day, I need to make my self care a priority. I need to stop and recharge my mind. Shut down for a bit from everything, and just reset.

March 3, 2023

Is losing a child the worst tragedy? To ME it is. In MY life, it is. Losing Luke was MY biggest loss. That does not mean that another persons tragic loss of their husband or brother or sister or whoever is not incredibly tragic and traumatic and sad and heartbreaking and rips their entire world apart.

February 26, 2023

Am I ready to go back to work? I think I am ready to continue moving forward. This is just another step I’m taking that is getting me forward in healing. It doesn’t mean I’m moving on, or forgetting Luke, it just means I am living and moving forward.

February 21, 2023

It was the first meal I was going to cook with only 3 filled seats at the table.

February 15, 2023

And every session I had, each passing week, I am learning so much more about grief. Managing it, welcoming it in. Letting it into my life but not letting it control my life.

February 2, 2023

If someone is kind enough to reach out, and check in to see how I’m doing, how we are all doing, and I don’t respond: My lack of response IS a response.

January 29, 2023

What upsets me is the people who I thought were part of this foundation, this circle of trust, whatever you want to call it. People who were part of our lives - Luke and Amelia’s life, suddenly disappeared.

January 20, 2023

Give the family some respect and privacy, even if you are their best friend or family member. If they want to share their story with you, they will. When they are ready. Key words there: when THEY are ready.

January 16, 2023

Very quickly did I realize that I need to be selective with whom I tell that Luke has passed. Not because I don’t want to talk about him, and still speak his name and his story, and keep his memory alive. But because complete strangers do not and will not know how to react to this overwhelming bought of information.

January 9, 2023

I’m trying to learn that it may be more uncomfortable for the other person than it is for me in the conversation.

I could never survive if I lost my child

January 7, 2023

Seriously, a piece of advice, don’t tell a grieving mother that YOU could never survive the loss of a child.

I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes

January 5, 2023

I always associate Spiderman with Luke, because that is what he loved. But perhaps as time goes on, I’ll be pleasantly surprised with the little things we see along the way.

January 3, 2023

Nothing prepared us for this. This shock, this trauma, losing our child on that day was not on the agenda. He wasn’t sick, he wasn’t having a complicated procedure. We were supposed to be taking him home that day, and instead, we were leaving the hospital without our son.